I miss the 20th century

I'm over it. I'm soooooo over it. I want to travel back in time to the pre mid-90's and live there indefinitely.

I want to come home from work, talk to the neighbors for a half hour in the drive, sit down and have dinner with someone where phones and television are verboten, have a life largely free of the internet and television. As I don't have a family, do things with the neighbors to pass the time. Sit around on the porch on the weekend and talk about whatever. Work a large (3/4 acre plus) community garden with the neighborhood. Have neighborhood cook outs and other shindigs, actually know my neighbors and know what is going on in their lives. 

I've got 21st century burnout. I'm not alone, I know I'm not. I've got two friends that are of a similar mind. I want to live in a world where community is a thing, where life is simple, where the only real concerns are who's bringing what to the block party or what book I want to read next. 

I'm 32 next month, I have the misfortune of having lived the first 9 years and change of my life without the internet, the misfortune of living 15 years without broadband. I have the misfortune of being born into a world where as a child we'd roam the town on our bikes after school and all summer, the misfortune of being born in a world where things were mostly safe, the misfortune of having known my neighbors and even my mailman as a child. I have the misfortune of being thrust into a fast paced, high speed, dot-com life. In 1995 when I discovered the internet we got 60 hours a month, shortly after we got 120 hours a month. If the weather was nice you didn't give a shit about the internet, you were outside. If the weather was bad you'd connect to the internet, get lost in the text of a MUD. I remember the first time I saw an image on a website, the first time I saw video on a computer. 

The 20th century was my home, now we are nearly a fifth of the way through the 21st century. Every where you go, you are connected. The internet is a loud, screaming, flashy bombardment of video, images, narcissistic behavior. I'm stranded, I'm a castaway in a Kardashian, twitter, YouTube, fake news, throwback Thursday, hashtag, look at me, school shooter, 22 gender 13 sexual orientation (from an OkCupid email, I’m not anti-trans, you do you!), data breach, climate denier world. I want to go back. Dammit I didn't ask to be here. I want to go back! Take me back! 

The real unfortunate part is, I can't afford to live in the 20th century… I can't afford to buy a bunch of land and make my own neighborhood. I know I could find like-minded individuals to fill my not-yet-built streets. Hell I don't make enough money to strike out on my own and just have one small house where I live a simple 20th century life. I can't even strike out as a missionary to try and recruit strangers in the homes around me to my quaint 20th century way. To have a house as a single person you need to either get lucky, live in some urban wasteland, throw 8-12 years of your life chasing degrees and taking on mountains of debt so that you might (after another decade) have paid down that debt and bought a house so you can be at work 60-80 hours a week and come home and cry and want to die while you veg out to Netflix or YouTube. 

Yes, I am a 20th century person. My curse is that of being born on the cusp of the digital revolution. My curse is that of wanting a simple life in a friendly world. My curse is that of being smart enough to know that this 21st century life isn't something good, it will never be for me. 

I am a 20th century person, and this is my manifesto. You may crush this individual with your 21st century ways, but you can't stop humanity's need for a simple life and community. After all... we're social creatures. 

Love Rant

Love is that fragile flower of the most uncommon beauty. One which can never be found by purpose alone while wandering through life's gardens, yet one whose color and fragrance is most pure and meaningful when discovered by accident while tending to the more mundane duties of the common man. A diamond found lying quietly amongst the broken glass of childhood's shattered windows.

To love another is the supreme sacrifice of self, For one must give freely and completely of themself to another, unconditional... without any reservation. To give less serves only to sabotage the evolution from self sustaining isolation to a greater joining of intimate awareness

Love defies generalizations. Poets, philosophers, theologians, and countless others have ascribed their own theories and interpretations but often they still fall short of the goal of capturing the true nature of this unfathomable entity. The strength of love lies in its diversity. It possesses the unique ability to evolve, change, and permutate over the course of our lives. Just as we grow outwardly we must also grow inwardly. Our thoughts, realizations, and perceptions are given credence by our individual experiences on the separate paths we follow in our quest for love. And as love is an integral part of our inner selves, so it must grow and mature as well. It possesses the ability to adapt to its internal as well as its external environment. It not only changes as we change but it also ebbs and flows, unlike the steady tide of the seas, outwardly dependent on the receptivity of those to whom it is directed.

During certain periods of our lives love may seem to fade or even disappear entirely from our emotional palette. But once conceived it never truly ceases to exist. Love is the ultimate survivor. It has a will to live as strong as the will of its human container. If necessary, it may hibernate, withdraw like a turtle into its shell. When it is rebuffed or rejected by the harshness and cold complacency which can be so common in others, it folds in on itself until which time it again feels safe to venture out into a more nurturing environment. But it does not die.

We say we fall in love but this isn't right... we don't fall anywhere, we simply open our hearts and allow the love inside to project its energy towards the heart of another. If it is well received and properly tended, it creates a spiritual bond between the two hearts. However, love is an individualized emotion. It is a part of who we are and just as no two people share the exact same emotional make-up, neither can they share totally identical expressions of their love for one another. The beauty of a strong and viable relationship is seen when two souls meet and the colors of their love complement each other.

We are in love when we can find that fragile state of being where our individual love demands no more than the other person can give and when we can provide the necessary energies to allow them to be fulfilled as well. Love cares nothing for equality but it insists on balance. That balance is possible only when both people are satisfied that their own expectations and needs in a relationship are being adequately provided for.

It is our duty to our mate and our responsibility to ourselves to make clear the window to our souls. Love thrives on communication and tolerance. That which we desire and that which we can accept as a reasonable equivalent must be verbalized or otherwise made unmistakably apparent to our lover. Understanding and compromise are the banquets on which love feasts. And conversely, assumption and an unyielding insistence on prerequisites for our love are the sabers which will inevitably sever the emotional bond that love provides.

We are merely passengers on our ship of destiny and love is the compass that guides our journey through life. Whether it is love for another human being, a cherished goal, or a desire to find completeness and meaning to our lives bears little consequence on the necessity for following the course that love charts. Love cannot live comfortably in a vacuum. It must be allowed free reign and be given the opportunity to explore beyond the confining walls of self-protection which we construct as barriers to the ravages of life. It is the flagship of our soul and the purveyor of our most cherished dreams of a purposeful existence. Love we hide or hold back from others out of fear is love wasted. It is of no value to us when held inside but can increase in value a hundredfold when shared with another like minded individual or when directed towards a greater aspiration beyond our own selfish needs.

Love's reality, like beauty, is held solely in the eyes of the beholder. And love's vision, if we must transpose a physical sense upon a non-physical entity, is crystal clear. It seeks that which coincides appropriately with its own desires. It is not foolproof, nor is it always accurate in striking close to the heart of its target. Nevertheless, it is an essential component of our soul's repertoire and must be given the autonomy it requires to seek out that which holds promise to provide the needed sustenance for its own growth.

We are more than often left wanting, unfulfilled and incomplete, in our usual interactions with the vast majority of those we meet in our lives... but that takes nothing away from love's dream of compassionate surrender to the possibilities for the future, and therein lies the instinct for love's survival, and perhaps our own. It presents itself as a determination to force us through the frailties of mortal existence... obligating us to maintain an uncompromising optimism towards the realization of spiritual completeness that may lie dormant but aware in the souls of others we encounter along the way.

Love is the source of the most extreme short term emotions. Periodically, it is the most painful and dangerous sensation imaginable. You’ll cry harder then you thought possible, you will think dark, poisonous thoughts. However... it is the source of the purest pleasure you will ever experience. A brief conversation, look, or moment of physical contact, and you’re off, eyes glazed, head full of fluff, and with a stupid grin plastered over your face... but these are fleeting, ephemeral emotions. Many people mistake these feelings for love, think that their despair and hatred proves their love, or that the buzzing sense of joy is all that love is. But these feelings are only the consequences of love.

Love is not words, or actions, it is not crushing despair or rapturous joy... it is simply a state of being, and one that feels as effortless and natural as breathing. When you are with your love you feel impossibly at ease, and when he or she is absent you feel distant, distracted and incomplete. You may find it difficult to identify the cause of these feelings, so intrinsic and instinctive have your emotions become. It is easy to notice the intense and extreme sensations, but the more subtle, true emotions can be missed if you aren’t careful.

Love is a choice to do the highest good for someone. Love is the bond of perfectness... love is the perfect glue. Love is noble and idealistic. Love is the highest of all the virtues.

Love is for givers, not getters. Those who demand to be loved before they will love shouldn’t be surprised if no one gives them love. Lovers live in a world of giving. The getters, the ones who are looking for love, is a different world. We have a duty to love, but we have no guarantees that we will be loved. We have it in our power to love, but we have no power to force others to love us. It is folly to spend life demanding love from others. If we are true lovers, our entire mindset is in a giving mode. There is no place for bemoaning the ways others neglect us.

Love requires the giving of ones’ self to another. It involves an element of self-depletion, self-exhaustion. Love is empathic. It puts itself in someone else’s shoes. Love seeks to understand. Love cares. It does not pre-judge. It does not pass sentences. Love does not jump to conclusions. Love does not throw down ultimatums. Love does not declare war on its object. Love is tender, it is kind, it is forgiving.

Love can build a bridge across great divides. Love is more powerful than any other force, because love stands for the best interest. Love will only do good. Love will do no evil. Love is the most irresistible force known to humanity.

Sometimes... I ask myself... "Is there anyone out there for me?" quite often I start to think "No, no there isn't" however... saying that to myself is unfair. There is someone out there for me... they are probably several people out there for me... I just need to find one of them. First though, I have to stop moping around, I have to give up the life of feeling bad because I don't have anyone... I'll never have anyone if I don't get over that and move on. Yes, there IS someone out there for me, there IS someone out there for ALL of us.